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Who is the master? Your penis or you? Does your penis sleep when he wants to? Learn how to maintain your penis erections and controlling your premature ejaculation moments. Learn to get to know this muscle called the Pubococcygeal (PC). This is the muscle that helps maintain your erections and your ejaculations. Do not let your penis control you any longer.
Both men and women have this muscle. This is the muscle that can shut off your urine flow. When you urinate and stop the flow of your urine, the pubococcygeal muscle is what you are working with when you stop your urine flow. Men who experience premature ejaculation and/or leak urine when you sneeze or cough should learn how to strengthen your pubococcygeal (pc). If you learn how to strengthen this muscle, this will help in avoiding the above problems. If you are leaking urine or any ejaculation problems, then you need to put a stop to this right now. Learn to be in control of your erections and ejaculations.
In making the pubococcygeal muscle stronger, you will improve the intensity of your erections and ejaculations. You will improve the blood supply that goes through your penis. Better blood circulation through the penis is better erections overall. You will also improve your erotic pleasure. You will intensify your physical sensations and excitement for you and your partner once you learn how to strengthen this muscle.
You can exercise the pubococcygeal muscle by tightening and holding back on this muscle for a count of three. Then relax, then tighten again for a count of three. Repeat this exercise 10 times, 5 times a day. Now, do not perform this exercise when you are urinating. I have only show you where to locate this muscle when you urinate only. Again, when you urinate and stop the flow, this is the pc muscle you are working with. You can do this type of exercise anywhere. Standing on the line at the bank, at work, home, anywhere, and nobody will know that you are exercising this muscle. Only you will know. Here are the signs that you need to know if you need to make your pubococcygeal (pc) muscle stronger.
A. If stopping the flow of your urine is difficult, then you have a weak pc muscle.
B. If you have poor posture, then you may have a weak pc muscle.
C. You can not have intercourse longer than 3 minutes before ejaculating.
D. Urine leakage when you sneeze or cough.
It is a true fact that 85% of men can not have intercourse longer than 3 minutes before ejaculating. This is due to a underdeveloped and weak pubococcygeal muscle. Having a weak pc muscle causes weak erections, weak ejaculations, impotence and premature ejaculation. Learning to control your ejaculations will help in developing a stronger pc muscle. Developing good muscle tone of your pc muscle will help improve your ejaculation control and will enhance your lovemaking pleasure between you and your partner.
A strong pubococcygeal muscle gives more blood to the genitals making erections come more easy. Start exercising this muscle. You will gain full erections every time. You will also satisfy your lovemaking activities and naturally this does enhance one's self esteem.
Wake up and control your penis. Do not let your penis control you. Learn to control your erections and ejaculations. The pubococcygeal muscle is the organ of energy. Exercise it and control it. And do not let your penis sleep when he wants to. Who is the master? I will leave this up to you.
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Excerpt from The Steroid Deceit
Having abused steroids for three and a half years, I was always afraid of being found out. I took pains to keep my steroid use hidden from my parents. They thought my newfound muscles were the result of all the time I spent at the gym, as well as the various supplements and powders that I always seemed to be taking. Little did they realize that some of those pills I called “vitamins” were actually oral steroids.
The façade to my life of deceit began to crack, when I received a panicked phone call from my mother. She had evidently found one of my syringes.
I rushed home. Since using steroids, I had become a much better liar than I ever could have imagined, and naturally I was ready to give her an Academy Award winning performance.
My mother was waiting for me at the front door, and started in on me as I made my way up the pathway. “Are you using heroin?"
“Mom,” I told her, offering her a big smile. “You’ve got it all wrong.”
She waved the syringe in her hand as if to say, “How could this be wrong?”
I didn’t stop smiling, even though inwardly I was cursing myself for having been careless with my needles. I had slipped up. Until that mistake I had always cleaned up after my usage and secreted everything away. While my mother brandished the syringe, I was doing some waving of my own, showing her a prescription form. By this time we were in the house.
“I am not a junkie, Mom,” I told her. “I was given a prescription from a doctor.”
“What for?” she asked.
“For steroids,” I said, “only steroids.”
She still looked doubtful, so I said, “I’ll go show you.”
I went up to my room and returned with a vial. “See,” I said, showing her the vial, and then repeated, “It’s only steroids.”
It’s only steroids. As a parent I can tell you that if I heard those words from one of my two boys I would be as concerned as if my child had announced, “Don’t worry, it’s only heroin.”
I made a big show of throwing out the syringe and vial in front of my mother, My mother appeared pacified. Luckily, she didn’t know anything about steroids, and what I was saying must have sounded reasonable. Besides, my tossing out the vial and syringe clearly demonstrated that I didn’t have a problem. What she didn’t know was that I had a secret stash in my closet with dozens more vials and needles.
It was also a good thing she didn’t look closely at the prescription, or she might have wondered why a vet was prescribing a drug to a human. In my hunt for bigger and better steroids I had found a veterinarian willing to write me a scrip for equipoise, a steroid prescribed for horses. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had made copies of the prescription. I didn’t even have horse sense. I was a drug abuser with an illegal prescription covering up his habit by lying.
I wish my mother hadn’t trusted me. I wish she had challenged me. I wish she had taken note of all the warning signs my body and behavior were giving off, and had pulled me up short.
According to the U.S. Center of Disease Control, up to 6% of high school students have tried, or are using, steroids. Even if that figure is wildly exaggerated – even if it’s only half of that number – we are still talking about an incredible number of young people using steroids.
Teens typically use steroids to get buff, or try and get an athletic edge. What they don’t take into account is the potential hazards that come with the drugs.
Some of the side effects include: Psychological addiction; Depression and mood swings; Insomnia; Severe acne; Hair loss; Infertility; Liver disease; Testicular atrophy; Arteriosclerosis; Heart disease; Permanent stunting of growth; Feminization of males including breast swelling (gynecomastia – also known by steroid users as “bitch tits”); Stretch marks; Water retention; High blood pressure; Tendon and ligament damage
Specific side effects of females are: Virilization (becoming more masculine) of females, with such symptoms as excessive face and body hair, deepening of the voice which is irreversible; suppression of menses; decreased breast size; and enlargement of the clitoris;
It is hard to believe that given all the health risks associated with steroids that they continue to grow in popularity. I am afraid that either the message of their dangers isn’t getting out, or maybe it’s just that the other “message” is so much more prevalent that it’s hard to refute. When people look at the hard, muscled bodies presented by smiling, oversized human beings, they see a tempting portrait. Users and potential users are seduced by this picture of health and vitality. The picture doesn’t show the strain on the arteries, the wear and tear on the heart, or the pinball effect on the psyche.
Because society has not yet raised enough red flags over steroid use, the burden for this scrutiny has to fall on parents and loved ones. At the time I abused steroids they were an “under the radar” drug; my parents didn’t even know what they were. Public awareness about steroids has grown, but judging from their increased popularity, teens and adults have not yet come to the realization that using them means playing Russian roulette.
To protect their children from the dangers of steroids, parents need to be vigilant. For their own good, no child should be able to get away with what I did. It was wrong of me to pretend indifference about my drug habit and proclaim, “It’s only steroids.”
Steroid use is the hidden epidemic. Somehow the war on drugs has missed this target. Parents can’t afford to turn a blind eye, though. Among the warning signs parents should be looking for in a child who might be using steroids is: A rapid increase in the musculature of your child; Your child’s preoccupation or obsession with “getting big”; An outbreak of acne (predominately on chest and back) far and above the usual; Pronounced mood swings;The presence of muscle magazines (look for the usual smiling steroid figures on the cover). There’s an old axiom: if it’s too good to be true, beware. Those bodies are too good to be true;
Vials and pills and syringes – it is up to you to read the labels. I told my parents that the oral steroids I was taking were vitamins. Watch out for the following pills: Anadrol; Dianabol; Winstrol; tamoxifen; clenbuterol; clomifen citrate; masterolone
Anything in a vial is suspect (if it is in a vial, it is usually vile). The brand names are many and varied, but look for the following substances: stanazalol; nandrolone decanoate; nandrolone phenilpropionate; dromastolone dipropionate; and testosterone.
Despite all those misleading advertisements which claim you can lose 10 pounds of fat and put on 10 pounds of muscle in just a few days, it doesn’t happen that way. The human body doesn’t change overnight. When not using steroids, professional athletes are hard-pressed to put on 10 pounds of muscle in a year, even with rigorous workouts. If your child suddenly sprouts muscles, it is your job to be suspicious. Don’t be surprised if your teen credits those muscles to his or her pumping iron, and taking protein shakes and supplements. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that those pills and shakes are all but worthless. Invariably, the spokesperson for those kinds of products is a steroid abuser. The fact is that those supplements will not pack on the pounds and muscles as the manufacturers claim. Steroids will do that. They might also cause you to die or go crazy getting those muscles, but that’s not something you are ever likely to hear coming out of the mouth of Mr. Big Biceps.
What should a parent do if they discover that their child is using steroids? One of the first priorities is opening up a dialogue with your child and start discussing this risky behavior. One of my favorite sayings is, “There is nothing uglier than truth when it is not on your side.” Truth is a great antidote to combating steroid usage.
From the onset I would impress upon the child that what they are doing is both illegal and harmful. If you take a steroid, in the eyes of the law it’s the same thing as popping an amphetamine or Quaalude. Possession of steroids is a federal offense, and can result in jail time of up to one year in prison along with a fine up to a thousand dollars. If you manufacture or distribute steroids, the penalties are much more severe. It is common for many steroid users to sell or distribute their drugs. Doing a “favor” for another user can now result in a jail sentence.
Expect your child to be defensive. When you start explaining about health risks associated with steroids, you are sure to hear, “I don’t know anybody who has had those kinds of problems.” It is entirely possible they’ll be telling the truth. You will have to explain that sometimes the effects are not immediate, and sometimes they can’t be seen. Tell them that steroids are like cigarettes; often they debilitate over time.
You also have to try and impress upon them what I think of as “the X Factor.” Every day more evidence comes forward showing the detrimental effects of steroids. It’s only recently that steroids have been linked with depression, just as there have only been preliminary studies on steroids being a possible “gateway” drug. Before the mid-nineties, though, no one was talking about ‘roid rage. And before that no one had any idea about the potential for kidney damage and arteriosclerosis due to steroid usage.
Your child will tell you that steroids work, and he’ll be right. They do work, but it’s one of those cases of their working too well. Your child might not want to hear about heart disease or liver tumors or hardening of the arteries. You will hear about the strength gains, and the “incredible” workouts. Your response should be, “At what cost?” The human body is designed for certain maximum levels. Those who abuse steroids can, and do, spend more time at the gym or on the playing field, and are able to push themselves harder and longer. Sooner, usually than later, though, the human body rebels; joints tear and ligaments rip. It isn’t surprising that sports medicine has seen an epidemic of career ending injuries in the past decade. Steroids have given athletes a false platform upon which to perform; when that platform collapses, too often it is game, set, and match. This trend of serious injuries extends from high schools to the professional levels. Sports doctors say they are seeing a huge increase in tendon and muscle ruptures. That isn’t a coincidence. When bodies get pushed too hard, they snap even harder.
Student athletes are under enormous pressure to perform and that makes steroids tempting. Non-athletes feel their own pressures; everyone wants to look “buff” and fit. Parents should also tell their children that steroids are cheating. In simple terms of right and wrong, they are wrong, and you don’t want your child to be a cheater. If your son or daughter is looking for an athletic advantage, tell them that you don’t believe in winning at all costs and neither should they. Stress to them that the muscles they think they are getting are artificial and temporary, and if they want the real thing then they are going to have to work for it. Talk to your child and make sure his or her self-esteem is not dependent on body image. This will probably be another case where your child thinks you are old-fashioned and out of it; when your child grows up he will see how wise you were (but don’t expect to get thanked any time soon).
It is possible your child has body dysmorphia, with a resulting skewed view on what his/her body really looks like. Harrison Pope established a formula to calculate what he called the “fat-free mass index” (FFMI). Based on those calculations, the upper limits of musculature and build can be defined by their scoring system. The researchers found that a drug-free individual could be muscular, but in a proportional and natural way. Unfortunately, these days we see so many images of bodies accomplished through steroids that we don’t realize them for what they are – fakes. Teens need to have a realistic idea of what is normal body image, and what is abnormal.
When confronting a child’s usage of steroids, the natural reaction for any concerned parent is to ban steroids from the household. That prohibition won’t work, though, unless your child realizes it is in his own best interest to quit. Going off steroids is something that can be fraught with problems; consult with a doctor. Going “cold turkey” can have tragic consequences. If you get steroids out of your house, be aware that your child might seek out steroids through friends and find a way to try and hide further usage from you. Don’t be afraid of looking like the “bad guy.” Your child might not understand the serious consequences involved with steroid usage. If you suspect continued use of steroids, take your son or daughter to a physician and have them tested.
I would also strongly encourage you to get your child into counseling. Most males will resist this, and will no doubt insist that it’s unnecessary. These are the same males who might suffer severe depression in silence, not doing anything about it. Unfortunately their ultimate solution might be suicide. Without being overly dramatic, parents need to be on a “suicide watch” for a child that is using steroids, or has recently stopped. Coming “down” from steroids can be a perilous time, especially for young people. They need to understand what is happening to them. Because they have tinkered with their body chemistry, stopping steroid usage might result in considerable physical and mental shocks to the system.
When young men act rambunctious, people often roll their eyes and say, “Too much testosterone.” Imagine, then, too much testosterone for months and years at a time. Your child needs to know that’s what they wreaked upon their system, and that sometimes body and mind take time to find their way back to normal.
Take it from me; it will be one of the most important journeys they ever undertake.
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Years ago, men in our culture pretty much accepted whatever they were dealt in the sexual department, and they certainly didn't talk about their problems or concerns. Today, men aren't willing to live with uncertainty, embarrassment or feelings of inadequacy when it comes to sex -- and fortunately, they've found there really is something they can do about it. With the advent of prescription drugs for impotence, men began to question their long-held beliefs that sexual problems were just something you had to learn to live with (or deny). But prescription drugs aren't for everyone, and indeed, most men have concerns that can be addressed more simply and inexpensively than with doctor's office visits and subsequent pharmaceutical prescriptions.
Now men have another option: all-natural male enhancement supplements. Anyone who's been watching TV or using the Internet lately knows these products are out there, but few know how they work or which products do work.
So let's take a look at how these products do the job and what makes them effective for hundreds of thousands of men.
Quality male enhancement pills contain a number of botanical and natural ingredients that come from around the world, with proven anecdotal records of success in increasing libido, empowering sexual drive and function, and creating greater stamina and erection hardness. Today, even medical doctors, typically resistant to herbal and naturopathic healing, now endorse natural formulas for male sexual enhancement.
The best formulas out there contain scientifically tested, potent aphrodisiac herbal concentrates from China, Europe and South America to successfully stimulate sexual activity, maintain a firm erection and increase sexual pleasure.
First, they promote peripheral tissue vasodilation to improve arterial erectile function. The ingredients have a direct effect on the endothelial cells, which enhances blood flow of both penile arteries and veins without any change in the systemic blood pressure. Some formulas also have the ability to relax and tonify the nervous system, which is necessary to deal fully with psychological stressors present.
When looking for a good supplement, you may come across many of the same ingredients in many of them -- however, keep in mind that it is not only the specific components, but the blends, proportions and formulation that make a difference. Here are some of the herbs commonly used, and their effects in the male body:
Epimedium Leaf Extract Epimedium was discovered in 200 BC. Legend has it that an ancient Chinese goat herder noticed that his flock suddenly became sexually active after grazing in a certain patch of weed. The Chinese consider Epimedium to be the premier libido lifter for men. It is also reputed to have a testosterone effect, to stimulate the sensory nerves and restore sexual desire. After centuries of use in China, top medical doctors now report that Epimedium can be used to boost libido, improve erectile function, restore sexual power and increase sensation. Scientifically, Epimedium works by freeing up testosterone, which naturally increases sex drive and endurance.
Cuscuta Seed Extract
Cuscuta is frequently used in long-term tonic programs, most commonly to strengthen the uro-genital functions. It is used to treat premature ejaculation, frequent urination and leukorrhea as well as aching lower back, symptoms that often accompany deficient kidney conditions which cause sexual weakness. Cuscuta seed is also widely used to nourish the sperm and marrow and strengthen sinews of the sexual organs. It is used to increase fertility in both men and women, and is listed as an aphrodisiac in all traditional Chinese pharmacopoeias.
Ginko Biloba Leaf
For over 5,000 years, Ginkgo has been prescribed in Chinese herbal medicine. In the last 30 years, more that 300 studies have given clinical evidence that Ginkgo prevents and benefits many problems throughout the entire body. Ginkgo is gaining recognition as a brain tonic that enhances memory because of its positive effects on the vascular system, especially in the cerebellum. Ginkgo improves peripheral circulation, oxygenation, and increases blood flow to the genitals to improve sexual function and the power of an erection. In a recent scientific study, 78% of men with non-medically caused impotence problems reported significant improvement - significantly, with no side effects. Ginkgo has been shown to be nutritional support for mental alertness, enhanced vitality level, circulatory health and blood vessel health. Note that its high antioxidant activity is valuable for fighting age-related conditions. Ginkgo may help to counteract the effects of aging, including mental fatigue and lack of energy.
Asian Red Ginseng - Panax Ginseng
Ginseng is traditionally used to overcome general weakness and deliver extra energy. It also has aphrodisiacal powers. Used to combat non medically caused impotence, and premature ejaculation, Ginseng helps normalize blood pressure while rejuvenating and revitalizing the body. It also promotes the growth of nerve tissue. A key ingredient of Ginseng is ginsenoside, which alters blood flow to the brain and penis and can build blood and sperm. Russian scientists have reported and recorded that Ginseng stimulates both physical and mental activity, enhances athletic performance and has a positive effect on the sex glands.
Saw Palmetto Berry - Fructus Serenoae
Native Americans and early American settlers used Saw Palmetto to treat problems associated with the genitals, urinary tract and reproductive system. This herb is called the "plant catheter" due to its therapeutic effect on the neck of the bladder and the prostate in men. Saw Palmetto is widely used in Germany, Canada, the United Kingdom and the U.S. for nutritionally benefiting the prostate and urinary tract. Saw Palmetto is a tonic, and is one of the few herbal remedies that are considered to be anabolic -- strengthening and building body tissues. The Saw Palmetto berries have long held a reputation as sexual stimulants and aphrodisiacs. Their largest use today is as a supplement for reducing enlarged prostate glands, treating urinary tract problems and for improving body strength. Saw Palmetto has shown significant action in treatment of conditions associated with benign prostatic hypertrophy (BPH). Saw Palmetto extract works to prevent testosterone from converting into dihydrotestosterone, the hormone thought to cause prostrate cells to multiply which leads to an enlarged prostate. Saw Palmetto inhibits androgen and estrogen receptor activity and may be beneficial for both sexes in balancing the hormones. Because of its hormonal effects, Saw Palmetto can aid the thyroid in regulating sexual development and normalizing activity of those glands and organs.
Muira Pauma Bark Extract
Muria Puama is an herb from a shrub native to Brazil, otherwise known as "Potency Wood". Both verbal and written historical records show that Muria Puama helps with lack of sexual desire and the difficulty to maintain erection. Muria Puama is used to restore sexual virility and to treat genital weakness "of intent", meaning the strength associated with sexual desire and potency in men. The textbook Specific Indications for Herbs in General Use, published by the Southwest School of Botanical Medicine, lists benefits of Muria Puama to these specific body systems: Improvement in reproductive system function, adrenal stress, cardiovascular system function, central nervous system activity, renal activity, and thyroid stress. Recent clinical studies further validate the potency of Muria Puama.
Catuaba Bark Extract
Catuaba has a long history in herbal medicine as a male 'strengthener' and aphrodisiac. The Tupi Indians in Brazil first discovered the qualities of the Catuaba plant and over the last centuries, have composed many songs praising its wonders. Indigenous people and local people have used Catuaba for generations and it is the most famous of all Brazilian aphrodisiaca plants. In the state of Minas there is a saying which goes, "Until a father reaches 60, the son is his, after that the son is Catuaba's." According to Dr. Meira Penna, Catuaba "functions as a stimulant of the nervous system, above all when one deals with functional impotence of the male genital organs... it is an innocent aphrodisiac, used without any ill effects at all." In Brazilian herbal medicine today, Catuaba is regarded as an aphrodisiac with "proven efficacy." Herbalists and health practitioners in the United States use Catuaba regularly as a tonic for genital function, as a central nervous system stimulant, and for treatment of sexual non medically caused impotence. According to Michael van Straten, noted British author and researcher of medicinal plants, Catuaba is beneficial to both men and women as an aphrodisiac, but "it is in the area of male impotence that the most striking results have been reported" and "there is no evidence of side effects, even after long-term use."
Hawthorn Berry - Fructus Crataegi
This phytochemical, with exceptional preventive capacities, comes from the hawthorn tree. Hawthorn is rich in bioflavonoids, which relax and dilate the arteries. These compounds are powerful antioxidants that help increase the flow of blood and oxygen to the heart. This reduces the work required by the heart to circulate blood, and in- turn this reduces blood pressure and stress to the heart muscle. The bioflavonoid substances in Hawthorn give strength to the walls of blood vessels and improve blood flow to other areas of the body. Components in Hawthorn have also been shown to lower cholesterol, and the amount of plaque in arteries. Officially approved for pharmaceutical use in Germany, government studies show the Hawthorn plant to be completely free of any side effects. European studies have shown that the Hawthorn botanical increases blood flow to the heart and brain, protects the heart from irregular beats, enhances the strength of the heart's contractions, and mildly lowers blood pressure.
Other botanicals appear in male sexual aids, as well; its advisable to research the effects. The ingredients shown above are the "gold standard" however; they can be found in the correct proportions in a very popular supplement called VigRX™. It goes to work directly within the male genitalia, with effects on hormonal levels, blood flow and the responsive cells of the penis. The VigRX™ supplement is probably one of the best out there, given its proprietary formula in which ingredients are correctly proportioned and then made into tablets in a certified pharmaceutical grade laboratory. The company that produces VigRX™ has been in business for years, right from the beginning of this breakthrough in male enhancement products.
When choosing a male enhancement formula, keep in mind these criteria: quality, guaranteed potency, guarantee of satisfaction, full disclosure of ingredients and a good track record of customer results. Again, the products do work and draw on the experience of centuries of herbal and natural medicinal supplements -- but choose carefully. It's your body, and you want only the best for it! If you are having difficulties knowing which product to try, we recommend and stand behind VigRX™ for both performance and customer service.
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I really don’t know how to say this any other way. My dog decided to talk to me the other night and he had a lot to say.
It initially played like any other night really. Once again, I was tossing and turning, in and out of sleep. I was half awake, mulling over my job situation: I want to make money writing but I need an income more. Then the most bizarre thing happened.
“Hey human Bob! This is your best friend speaking! Wake up!”
Who the hell was that? It was a deep, low voice; strong and certain with a hint of a bourbon induced slur. Sounded like Dean Martin actually. I immediately sat up. It was pitch black. The radio clock blurred 3:53 in a dull crimson light. All I could make out was the shadowy outline of Parker, my trusty beagle, sitting upright at my feet.
“Hey boy, did you hear that?” I whispered instinctively. “Someone’s in the house.”
My vision was starting to warm up to the darkness. Parker just stared back at me, his head tilted, his long ears hanging to the side of his head like hand towels on a wall. He turned his head to the bedroom doorway, lifted his nose to the night and sniffed. He turned back to face me.
“Don’t think so.”
I swore Parker spoke but it couldn’t be. I mean his hound drawn lips seemed to move to the words I heard but that was impossible.
“Who’s there?” I yelled into the night. “Whoever it is, I am warning you that I am at this moment retrieving my loaded double-barrel twelve gauge from under the bed. I will shoot you. So leave now and I want to hear the door slam behind you.”
I made some dumb noises in a lame attempt to fool the intruder into believing what I had just proclaimed. I took the ruse to the next level.
“Okay. I’m fully armed and about to call 911 from my fully powered cell phone. Oh yeah, strong signal, four bars. Oh yeah, this is going to be a very clear 911 call.”
“You’re breaking me up. Put the phone down human Bob.”
It was Parker talking. I was certain of it. Nah, it had to be a sick trick.
“Okay, good one Steve. You wired up the dog with a little speaker. Very funny.”
My brother Steve was known to go to great lengths to pull off pranks. But I was pretty sure he was at his apartment in the city, sixty miles away, God knows doing what, and at 48 years old, unlikely to suddenly bother me with a prank—it had been 25 years since his last one. But the mind scrambles to the most implausible scenarios when so duly challenged.
“Don’t think so. Nope it’s me, Parker,” the dog mumbled.
I was positive he spoke again. By now I was sitting straight up, leaning towards him. He just sat there and looked at me with those big dark eyes. His poker face was on.
“Parker? Are you talking to me?”
“Well I’m not talking to myself.”
I leaned back against the headboard. He yawned.
“This can’t be. I’ve got to stop watching Animal Planet.”
“Listen, I’ve got something to say and I’m not sure how long this talking stuff is going to work so …”
“You are talking!” I interrupted incredulously.
“Should you want I bow wow?”
“Holy cow! Parker you are talking.”
“Yup. But I’m not sure for how long. So can I say a few things before …”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Yeah I know. Either can I but if you don’t mind.”
I looked at him with a giant smile plastered across my face. Parker can talk. The dog was talking. Who was I kidding? It had to be a prank. He continued.
“I’ve been listening to a lot of that talk radio and that C-SPAN channel you watch while you write. I’m here to tell ya I don’t like what I’m hearing.”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“Afraid not.”
Oh this was good. I was really hallucinating. Talk-shmalk, I had a few nagging questions of my own.
“Hey, can I ask you something before you get to your stuff?”
“Make it quick. I haven’t got all night.”
“You like smell things a hundred times more than we do, right?”
“Four hundred.”
“Okay, four hundred. Wow! Then I really wonder about this.”
“Yeah I know. Why do we like to sniff every morsel of excrement or yellow patch of urine we encounter on our walks?”
“Now that you bring it up, yeah, why? It must smell like the inside of Dick Cheney’s or Ted Kennedy’s septic tank? And you know how much crap they’re filled with.”
“That was a funny one human Bob. But it isn’t like what you smell. We pick up a lot more notes. It’s a broader pallet if you will. We don’t smell stink. We smell identity, mood, and illness. For instance, you know that crazy cairn terrier down the street?”
“Yeah.”
“She has stomach cancer and her humans don’t have a clue.”
“You are kidding me?”
“She probably has less than six months if they don’t get her to a vet soon.” He paused to lick his right front paw. “Yeah, and another thing. Don’t take me out at nights for awhile.”
“Why?”
“Cause there is a rabid possum living under the porch. That’s why.”
“You know this from the smell of possum poop?”
“Excrement.”
“Whatever.”
“Yup.” Parker yawned as if bored. “So is that it? Can I say what I need to say?”
“Well there is that thing you do with that licking your, you know, your …”
“Penis?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Jealous are we?”
“Well, it’s just that …”
“It’s all about keeping clean. Nothing pleasurable if that’s what you’re driving at. Nothing like what you do with your hand. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t pet me afterwards. Nope, no pleasure; it’s all business. You made sure of that when you had me “fixed”, remember. Thank you very much.”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had no idea you knew any different.”
“No idea my butt. I’ll ‘no idea’ ya.” He paused again to lick his right paw again and then continued. “But I don’t hold it against you. We don’t hold grudges. Heck, if we did, we would have mauled most humans dead by now. Which brings me to why I am talking to you.”
“No grudges. Really? I mean that “fixing” stuff is pretty serious. That’s pretty good if that doesn’t bother you.”
“You done? Can I get to my concern?”
“Sure. Sorry. Go ahead.”
“How can humans be so smart supposedly, while they single handedly are destroying the Earth?”
“You mean global warming?”
“It’s more than that. It’s the air. It’s the water. It’s the dirt. It’s the forests. It’s the killing. It’s the anger. It’s the hate. It’s the grudges. It’s the fear. It’s everything.”
“Oh come on. You’re being a little dramatic.”
“We don’t know dramatic.”
“Well give me examples of what you mean.”
“First of all, the air is filled with danger. Dogs, cats, birds, animals of all kinds can smell it. It is our biggest topic when we get together.”
“I don’t smell a thing.”
“Yeah, that’s part of the problem. And you can’t taste the troubled water either.”
“Scientists don’t seem to be complaining. So I should be listening to a dog?”
“We have no agenda. Dogs call it as they smell it.”
“ ‘call it as they smell it’; I’m suppose to just accept that?”
“Yeah, there is a lot you should just accept.”
“Oh yeah, like what else?”
“Well, and here is what I think is the crux of the problem, you keep choosing the wrong alpha humans.”
“What?”
“You’ve got this alpha thing all wrong. Just because animals order their packs based on physical size and strength doesn’t make it so for humans. We do it because we are simple. You do it because you are thoughtless. That’s what we, and I think it is fair to say I am speaking for all animals, don’t get. Humans are able to think things through. But they never do. Well, that’s not completely true; some have but they are mocked or marginalized.
An alpha dog barks and gets all puffy, like that wacky shepherd Sarge from around the block. The worst he can do is break out of his electronic fence and charge one of us. But you humans take it up a notch.”
“Can you give me a for instance?”
“God there are so many. Let me see. Okay, you’ve elected a president who pounds his chest and walks around like a gorilla with its arms all out to the side, all tough and all, carrying on with ‘bring it on’. When he jumps the fence, he brings tanks and bombs and humans loaded down in weapons and in body armor. Meanwhile, you have alpha males all over the place, flexing their muscle in their packs, threatening to obtain nuclear weapons, the great equalizer, giving the president one excuse after another to hop the fence. It’s nuts. And I for one am telling you, you’ve got it all wrong.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just start picking the right alpha humans; humans whose visions see beyond fighting, whose hearts hold no grudges, whose thoughts and reasons are not the products of testosterone, whose collective knowledge is rooted in the concept that true peace is never the consequence of war but the outcome of constant learning, negotiating and adjusting.”
“This is what you want to tell me? Nothin’ for nothin’ but it’s a little heavy for a little chat with a dog at 3:30 in the morning.”
“In a nut shell, yeah.”
It was hard to accept this from my beagle. I mean, he’s a dog; a sleeping, eating, sniffing, crapping dog. I was chalking this whole episode up to stress. I was apparently snapping.
“That’s it. I’m pretty much done. Just one last thing while I have the chance.”
“What? World hunger? String theory?” I asked sarcastically.
“You get the right alpha humans and the world hunger thing will take care of itself, smart ass. As far as string theory, who do you think I am, Hawking? I’m just a dog. No it’s more pedestrian than that, something I think you can manage.”
“Then what, already?” I asked impatiently.
“You know that thing you do occasionally where you empty the dish washer in the buff.”
“Ummm … yeah I guess.”
“Put some clothes on. It’s disturbing. I’m beggin’ ya, please!”
“All right, but only if you lick your privates in private.”
“I’ll see what I can do. No promises.”
“So this is it? No more talking? You know we could make a fortune on Letterman with his stupid pet tricks.”
“It’ll never happen. You see, this is a one time deal. Not sure why or how this is happening. Maybe that God guy is involved somehow. All I know is that when it is done, it is …” He abruptly stopped talking.
“Parker?”
Not a grunt. He yawned and as he did he stretched his front legs out and spread across the foot of the bed, his ears resting flat on the blanket.
“Parker … are you done? Is that it?”
He slowly closed his eyes and floated off to sleep.
“Parker … just like that?”
He began to twitch; in hot pursuit of a fox I imagined.
“Holy smokes. I must be dreaming myself.”
I curled back down under the safety of my covers, scratched my butt and thought about the conversation I had just had with Parker or myself or both. I sniffed the air. It smelled fine to me. What the heck was he talking about, ‘danger in the air’? It had to be a dream.
As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about getting a real job real soon, apparently this writing stuff was getting the best of me. I also made a point to remember to talk to the owners of that crazy cairn terrier. I thought it was the least I could do. One can’t be too dismissive of the unexplainable these days.
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